Confession

Sometimes I feel I need something I can not get from a person, I believe I could fly, but I cant. After all these things, it becomes a regret, a sincere fact that love is not what you feel, love is what you understand, what you accept and what you dream of. I am just a harvester, a harvester of dreams, walking on the moon, trying to find what I never got from life, I am just a sleepwalker,  shadow of a man everybody wanted to be. I am a man who is shaped and sized and blended until blows up. I know my way, I think I know everything about these bullshits people make up. I just wanted that one that person to hold me, not to fall from the clouds, as I am the King of Dreams. Watzzy!

Conscience Revealed

Every step in to the abyss of time,
Is a step closer to death.
Every single thought you choose to not say,
Will haunt you and capture you in its maze,
Every little mistake, even though you regret,
Will destroy a dream, will kill your faith.
Every whisper, everything will haunt you,
Will kill and will resurrect.

Fair Handshake

The game show was annoying, the bottle was emptying by each moment that was passing by. I had to get out, to slaughter every little dream that was haunting me. I got up, took my coat left everything behind, all I took was my coat and a handmade bracelet. I rushed down to the station. My train was to arrive in about 2 minutes. I stopped at the pier.
I saw a man with a cigarette in his mouth.”I forgot my pack in the room” I said to myself, then turned to the man. “Can I have a cigarette, I forgot mine in this hotel room you see.” “Sure chap, here you are” smiled the man while serving me his box of cigarettes. “Thank you” I responded politely. “My pleasure.” Said the man. As I was turning from the wind so I can light my cigarette, I heard a noise behind me, I tripped, chooooo…..Tic, tac, tic, tac.

The Bottle

I woke up with this tremendous headache. My numb attitude was making me feel evil. After a few days spent in that chair, faced to the mirror, looking at myself deteriorating, sometimes throwing a glance at the TV-set I realized I’m hungry, thirsty and I need to take a shower. I get up, I still have an angry depressive feeling, but I’m to tired to do or think anything. I managed to get to the fridge, I open it, food. I eat nearly everything. I feel better, but sit back to watch the news, I feel numb, still don’t want to talk, though, the bottle is still empty.

I have to go buy some more cognac and cigarettes. The grocery store is across the street, I can see it from my window. I have some money left, I put my coat on and go out to buy my daily cognac and cigarette dose. I walk across the street go into the market, buy my needs and walk back. I sit back in the chair, face my TV and I start watching some idiot game show. The bottle is full.

Part2: The roundabout or the vicious circle

The room….the tv set….the mirror….that was me, I thought I had it all, hahahaha, I was so stupid, I was foolish, I WAS HIDIOUS. Now I’m looking at myself in this pathetic mirror, who am I? Who are you, WHY DO YOU JUDGE ME? Why, why do I cry,why am I not dead yet, who are you to say you’ve PARDONED ME, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, TO SAY YOU FORGOT EVERRYTHING FROM YOU’RE PAST? Who am I to ask this question, why should I forget my past, why do I live for? to forget my past, to forget good and bad things, everything I did? Why is this bottle empty??

On a collision course with faith

Yes, we did meet at the next station, I looked into her eyes, a maze of pain and love, of a flaming darkness. I asked her if she’s going with the same train as me, she said yes, but she wasn’t sure, we faced love once again, but the silence was painful, although there was “nothing” wrong. I asked her if she still loves me, she said yes, but when she said it those eyes were showing a glow, I asked her again, cause I wasn’t sure that she was saying what she was thinking, she said yes again, we kissed. A kiss that did not happen with the same passion and feeling, as first time, but it was good. But then came a moment of stupidity.

I was pissed of by a guy in the train who was fucking my nerves by tying to persuade me to buy his chocolate. I was pissed of.

Few hours later she saw one of her friends, she went there, while I was trying to communicate with her. My fuse blew to smedarines and I started shouting, I went reading the paper in my anger. She came by, asked me what’s wrong,”I  thought you’re just gonna leave, I thought you didn’t even listen to what I wanted to say to you.” I answered angry, then she did not talk to me again, she just ran off to her friend. I went to her and I tried to talk to her she turned around and faced me. I asked her:”What’s the problem”, she turned around and said to her friend:”what an intelligent chat”. I just took my things, went to the station exit, she said it’s over.

Her train arrived, she started going towards it, but this time I didn’t want to stop her, I didn’t want to make her feel  bad, I didn’t wan to make her do something that she didn’t want to do.

I took a room in Loonsoome hotel, sat down on the edge of the bed and looked into the huge mirror. I started smoking a cigarette, I realized that she could not be happy anymore with me, that every moment spent with me turned from a beautiful sentimental love and passion full moment turned into a painful heart aching sinister moment, after I hurt her the first time she started becoming silent, she answered short in 2 or 3 words, I felt there was a problem, but she said there ain’t. I believed her, and still do, I swear. If she feels that she can not be happy with me, I still love her and I wish her to be happy, that’s why I didn’t stop her from boarding the train that’s why I just want her to be happy, all cause I love her.

Now I’m sitting on the side of my bed, the TV is on but I’m looking in the mirror and I see myself, a man who regrets everything that her a person so important for him. I’m sorry cause I didn’t listen when I should have, I’m sorry cause I didn’t have faith in you, and I’m sorry for hurting you so bad when you were just trying to recover what you loaned to a friend. I’m sorry, I just want you back, but if you feel that you can not be happy with me anymore, then go, be happy, do the things that make you happy, with the persons that can make you happy.:)

I’ll be in my room. You can come visit anytime.

End Of Part One

Every train has a different route

I obviously lost my mind. Why was I so stupid, I thought I’m on a good road, I regret that I did that, I really do. I could stop being jealous and stuff, I could I know I could, I’m just lost, probably around my own axel. I know I did things wrong, I know I was foolish, I know I was stupid, I never actually ment to hurt her. Now we are on different trains, I just want to meet her again, maybe the next station, I just miss her. I miss everything about her.

Last night was a rough ride and I couldn’t  sleep, i was tired, yet I couldn’t sleep, the weathr outside was awfull, the train was always snaking, going up, going down. A passenger appeared and told me that “after rain sun will shine”, I hope he’s right.

After all the only thing I wish is that you were here… …to love me…

The Hush Before The Storm

AN excellent way of trapping a fly, is to hit it with a slipper. of course that is actually a merciless execution of the creature. Anyway before the bang, well, there is a moment of silence, a moment of full concentration for the hunter, and a reasonless silent hum of the hunted. Anyway that silent hum might be silent for us, but it may be loud for the fly, but he’s used to it, or not, or he is trying to run from it, whatever it is, we should leave it like that.

The train stopped at another station, a few hours passed by since the last stop, I thought I go buy a coffee. So I did, and I smoked my cigarette. I decided to wonder around the station, I had 15 minutes, after that the train chood into the morning silence. 15 minutes, I just wasted some time and energy by wondering around the small-town railway station  , it is big, it’s  roof is a huge accolade made of glass and steel. It’s a bit dirty, but it’s huge. Pigeons are flying inside, with no shame, it’s huge. The sound of the whistle hits my ear and wakes me up from my inner silent meditation and observation, I run to the platform and board the train, witch leaves immediately, however I still get a last glance at that splendid architectural masterpiece.

The Clash

As the train steams out of the station, I fall asleep. I dream about the past, that haunts me since it became past, it’s a past which is evil. An obscure mirror of things that happened a long time ago, is the memory of this past. I feel strange, awkward and silly, however a strange feeling wakes me up.The train stopped in the middle of nowhere. A girl climbs aboard, I’ve seen this face before, I know her. Anyway I rejoice as I start feeling that she understands me, our dialogue  intensifies, I feel wonderful, since that meeting, I do I really do feel…hmmmm…how is that word…ah! yes! special. And now I have a guest in my compartment with a white dog and I feel good. I hope she does to.

As we chat around, the train stops several times, but I don’t care, I don’t feel like leaving this person forget what she wanted to say. i listen to her. However the next station is a place which I wanted to see since I was a child. I want to go down and see the station, it’s a beautiful one, but I don’t want to leave, she’s so interesting and I “don’t want to miss a thing”(Aerosmith). However the best of ideas pops up and tells me:”Take her with you…”

So I ask her if she would want to, ask her about 300 times, she answered 299 times “yes” and finally took me by the hand, she took me down…we strated laughing.

It was the strangest of feelings, I just made her get off the bus…oh sorry, train. After that: we embarked on another train, cause we’ve lost ours(it left the moment we got off), and now, we’re rolling the same direction, with another train, but in the same compartment.

Hard Money

It’s 11:35, I’m sitting, few moments ago, I was travelling on the fast-train, now, I’m looking to find, what I came here for. It’s obvious, I’m lost. Times change and people with them, everybody is in a rush. They’re tired, I can see it on their faces.

The post office is closed, I can’t send my letters, damn, nobody can help me with a stamp…”I need a fuckin stamp”

“Hey buddy!” as I look at the direction of the sound I see a man of the streets “Have a dime??” he asks me while trying to make a closeup to my jacket’s pocket. I give him a dime, he leaves…

My train arrives… but it’s another hour until it will leave… But I decide, I have nothing more to do here, I get on the train. then fall asleep…